Share the Love

February 14th, 2009

It's Valentine's Day. And that means "Sugar High!"

E Speaks!!!

In the middle of the night, a strange sound came through the monitor. "ta-ta, cho-cho" At first I was concerned that a gang of miniature dark knight ninjas had infiltrated her bedroom and were swiftly abducting the E-Bears for ransom. Fortunately, she was still in there in the morning.

But wait, that means she either paid her own ransom, which is not likely since we keep the credit cards out of her room to prevent late night QVC impulses. Thankfully, their return policy is kind.

Or, she is a genius and is speaking in her sleep in a combination of what I must assume is Portuguese and Mandarin. Maybe saying goodbye to her imaginary friend Cho Cho. Maybe she is the leader of the miniature dark knight ninjas and was directing them to go and retrieve some carbonated beverage for a nightcap. No matter what the scenario, she has at least added some additional syllables to her vocab, which is good, since recently she seems to only be adding volume.

(Note: Cho Cho, her imaginary friend, was going to be a penis (thank you Urban Dictionary), but it was vetoed.)

E Speak - You Stinky

My dada is always pretending he smells something when my socks are off and I try and stick my foot up his nose. I really enjoy sticking my feet in his face, he makes strange sounds and faces and nearly passes out. He is proud of me. He says my feet smell "like ham that has been left out in a warm and humid climate for a couple weeks, like I've been hiding an unshowered old man in my shoes, like a possum meatball found floating in a murky gutter, like a Limburger covered raw oyster on a summer rooftop." It's cool. I toot on him a lot.

Is anyone else out there completely, stop dead in your tracks, jaw-dropping fascinated, drool-inducing comatose by the new Crystal Light commercial? The one with the Estelle "Star" song and ladies spinning while their clothes turn into Crystal Light. Guilty! I'd bathe in it if I could!

Later,
E

Singing the Poos

When it comes to entertaining, I'm am a triple-threat. I can't sing, dance or act, but I will threaten to. The E-Poops does not take a nap easily. Minimally, it takes some hands-on singing as she lies in her crib. Once, maybe twice a week for the last month, while "trying" to begin her nap she has pooped. I believe this is a temporary "get out of nap" card she knows she can play. But, maybe it is the soothing sound of my voice. So, relaxing that even her bowels loosen. I would like to believe this, but since pooping still requires the "Poop Face." I doubt it.

Go into your bathroom, drop your pants and undies, stand backwards in front of the mirror, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as possible and hold, lower your head to a horizontal plane and look at your butt. Now try and put your butt crack on your face. Not like a contortionist, but simply the taught, linear and strained appearance. Close the upper half of your eyes and make them water a little, and then hold your breathe until you turn a couple shades redder. That should put you in the ballpark of the Poop Face.

As critical as Simon is on American Idol, to my knowledge no contestant has been told, "It caused my bowels to move." And I guess that's why they call it the Poos.

So, here is my latest bad business idea. I will record an album and market it to hospitals as a post-operative bowel mover. I have one satisfied customer already.

The Axe Falls

Thursday, January 29th, 2009

I scheduled a meeting to discuss goals for the next year with my manager. The meeting was finally set for this day and when I went to his office, he said it would be in the conference room and that the big boss would be there. I felt something was different about this meeting. The net result of the meeting was that there wasn't enough work to do for me to have a full-time position.

What it seemed like they needed was an outside-the-box thinker to come up with some more projects, but sadly one of the best ones they had was not consulted and his position was eliminated. As per the severance agreement, we are only to speak of one another on neutral or better terms, and that violates my balanced reporting standard, so this chapter is ended.

In total, I was actually somewhat relieved at the time, as time passes I am becoming more anxious to return to work, just to get the cash flow back up. My only regret is not taking a couple hours to say goodbye to the many co-workers and friends there. I will try and swing back in to see them sometime.