E Speak: My 1st Birthday

Hello Peeps. One day a couple months ago, my parents threw me a birthday party. Whatever that means. I don't know what Boy and Girl Genius were thinking. Let me take you through the day.

First, what in the hell is this on my head?

"You're the birthday princess."

No, this is a party store tiara that makes me look like a cheap pageant show baby.





















"It's time for cake!"

Alright, things are looking up. Holy Crap, this is homemade organic! I wouldn't feed this to meal worms. I wanted chocolate!!! I wanted chocolate!!! With Fairy sprinkles and Magic icing!!!





















"It's time to open presents!"

Yes, anything to stop this torture. I am very excited about my new collection of live furry animals. Where are they?

"Wow, look at that pretty shirt."

This is neither live nor pretty.















Seriously, this pile of inanimate clothes is my birthday take?





















Let me plug my mouth with this festive, beach-going bear to keep from hurling.















"I think she really liked all her presents."

"Yes, and look at all the new pretty outfits."

Morons, simply morons.

"Emmy are you ready for your big present?"

Finally, the purple furry elephant is here. Wait, a wagon??? You had the entire universe to choose from and you got a wagon. I just wet myself in disappointment. Seriously, I did. Right down here, where the puffy is.















Needless to say this was a letdown. I don't know why my parents were so excited. Might as well go to bed. Wait...Wait...Do I hear running water?





















OH YEAH!!! OH YEAH!!! PUT ME IN!!! PUT ME IN!!!
















This is heaven. I am drunk on pleasure.





















THIS WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Honestly, compared to the head-squeezing terror slide, followed by orifice-poking of last year, this was heaven. When can I have another?















Smoochies,
E