I have returned from the holidays refreshed and ready to discuss all things holiday. So, let's debate the two holiday heroes: Jesus and Santa.
Origination: As they exist today both are imaginary, but their legends are initially rooted with a live person. I may get some of the details wrong, but one was a guy in Germany who brought presents to children during the night. The other a man who wandered around claiming to be the son of God.
Santa - charitable, Jesus - delusional, point Santa.
Current digs: Jesus lives in heaven, a place that is reportedly nice but no living person can get there. Every time a living person gets close he/she is turned away by a blinding light; it's better than hot oil. Santa lives at the North Pole, a place anyone could get to but no one wants to go there because it is cold as hell. This might explain why people "burn in hell." It's to keep the resident hellions warm.
Santa - open year round, but miserable. Jesus - nice, but entry only upon death. There is no real winner here, but I give Santa the edge for not requiring death.
Rewards program: Santa rewards good behavior on an annual basis and often with items you have preselected via a Christmas list. Jesus waits until you die and then provides forgiveness which has no market value.
The consumer-centric, timely approach Santa has taken is vastly superior to Jesus and his undocumented forgiveness. It is possible that Jesus doesn't even hold up his end of the bargain and may want you to suck on his toes for a millennium before letting you relax in the Jesus pool at Country Club Heaven. A bird in the hand - point Santa.
Posse: Jesus has angels who "watch over you." Nothing an upstairs neighbor couldn't do. Santa has elves, untold numbers of elves, who toil making everything that has been created by humans and without fear of patent infringement. The elves I grew up with loved trees, were good at archery and lived a long time. Santa has convinced them to leave their natural habitat and use their tiny fingers for toy assembly without a pension. And he has Mrs. Claus, the best cookie maker in recorded history. Point - Santa.
Special Feat: Jesus came back to life. Santa simply stays alive albeit at a "older" stage of life. And according to someone else's calculations can travel at greater than the speed of light while delivering an untold amount of presents without creating any noticeable tear in the universe. Ignoring the time travel aspect altogether, who needs the ability to resurrect oneself if you never die in the first place? Point - Santa.
I could probably continue, but I mean Jesus, Santa is kicking Jesus's ass. Wait! I have found a point for Jesus, he makes a better exclamation when you're angry. Jesus f&%kin' Christ tops Santa f&%kin' Claus when you accidentally kick a rusty nail. "Santa Claus" I can't believe I found a point for Jesus.
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1 comment:
From what I know and have experienced it seems Jesus has a good sense of humor (will share some stories to you, relating to that sometime, that I know you are just dying to hear), so I am sure Jesus is laughing at your article. I hope he doesn't laugh at you when you ask for forgiveness when you are on your death bed (for any sin you may commit between now and then)--I know you haven't so far. :) If he does laugh at you, guess you could always pray to Santa, though you just might get coal.
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