Barnes & Noble is my Crack House

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT BARNES & NOBLES AS A SPONSOR. They would just find me one day naked, twitching, in a book tepee, sniffing pages.

I can't leave that place without buying at least 3 books and I would buy 17 if I could only dedicate a larger part of my day to reading. I am not a reader of extraordinary skill, speed, or comprehension, but I read books. And I really like to buy books to read. I NEED TO OWN THEM. The library is not my Crack Palace. It does not take hold of me like the bookstore.

I wish I could lick the books at the checkout for a discount and to claim them as mine (perhaps I'll try).

"This book has been salivated. Is there a discount for that?"

"How do you know it was salivated?"

"These moist streaks on the front here."

"Those look fresh."

"I did see a woman with a goat."

"I'm sorry sir, but you are going to have to pay for that."

It was worth a shot. Licking is one thing, but I would certainly not even attempt to pee on the non-fiction, as that would soil my precious.

I do read everything I buy. I don't dog ear to mark pages. I like my books to remain as pure as can be. I don't highlight in them. I never highlighted books in college (and I was there awhile). Collecting degrees, not being a dumb-ass.

I rarely reread anything. Highlighting for me is like putting table scraps in a Ziploc before throwing them away. There is no need to give the extra food or passages of text special treatment when they are not going to be re-consumed. They need to look as healthy as possible on my trophy case. My conquests.

Asking Barnes & Nobles to be a sponsor is like asking Jack Daniel's to sponsor an AA meeting by providing the refreshment. Barnes & Nobles: "Please just stay away for the childrens' sake, think of the children."