The Legend of Corn-Fu

If I owned a farm, I would grow things. My very basic understanding of farming tells me that is what you do on a farm. I would rotate corn and soybeans. Crop rotation is a more advanced farming topic, I believe it helps the soil retain more of its bodily essence. I would then setup a tofu production facility. I would then learn how to make a tofu-like foodstuff from corn. I would copyright and trademark the name Corn-Fu. Maybe also Korn-Fu and license music from the band for promotion purposes.

Next, I would contract a Japanese animation team to create a cartoon based on The Adventures of Corn-Fu. Corn-Fu would be a master of some version of martial arts, Kung-Fu would be the most obvious candidate. To-Fu would be his older and wiser skill master. Corn-Fu would have a sidekick named Sprout, an alfalfa sprout that moves like a snake with its head up and can beam some form of a fat-dissolving pulsar from his head. Corn-Fu would travel by motorcycle sidecar, driven by To-Fu's larger cousin To-Furkey. To-Furkey would have no special skills besides his Yo-Yo of Death.

Corn-Fu could have a sworn enemy, Ethan Ol who ransacked Corn-Fu's peaceful childhood village in a thirst for power. Ethan Ol wrongfully resurrects Corn-Fu's people as high fructose zombies taking many sinister forms. There would be numerous carnage- and chaos-filled battles. Demand for my trademarked and copyrighted Corn-Fu would skyrocket.

Celebs would wear Corn-Fu t-shirts. Merchandise sales would take-off.

"Who's Fu are U?" campaign would begin. Corn-Fu's signature facial hair would be the new Milk mustache.

"There nothing like being Fu'ed for the first time." Product trial accelerates.

"To Fu or not To Fu, that is the question." Communities organize local Fu Fests.

"Go Fu yourself, or a friend, neighbor or complete stranger." Global Fu sales overtake global meat and Cheetos sales combined.

Spontaneous F-U chants heard at sporting events, grocery stores and elementary school cafeterias. Global hunger is ended. U2 sings a song about it. Then changes its name to F-U2, and outsells the entire automotive industry. And you were there to witness it all.