E Speak: You Wean-E, You Suffer

My mom has a nice pair. Here let me show you.

"Emmy we can not take and post pictures of Mama's breasts."

Whatever. You know you'd like a shot of them too. Anyway, they are nourishing and comforting and have always been there for me. Until a few weeks ago, when they started to visit less frequently. I used to get tired and there they were, then I would wake up and there they were again. They were like my two best friends. I named them "Good Morning" and "Good Night". Good Night is on the right. I created a song so it was easier for me not to confuse them.

Good Morning is where the milk is pouring
and is a wonderful start to my day.
Good Night is on the right
I visit when it's time to hit the hay.

I break into it like Michigan J. Frog from Warner Bros. and then quickly revert back to being a baby.
















Well, needless to say this was agitating. Every week my friends would visit one less time. They didn't go on vacation, they just became shut-ins during the day. I would wake up, head over and knock politely, but no one came out to play. I pulled back the shades and looked in and they were certainly still there, but sleeping or something. I poked and grabbed at them and nothing. MAMA I NEED TO PERFORM CPR! I THINK THEY NEED TO BE MANUALLY REVIVED!

"They are hibernating," she said.

THEY ARE NOT FREAKING BEARS!

"Let's just snuggle."

SNUGGLING IS FOR WUSSIES! I got up 30 minutes early so I could see my friends and now ALL I GET IS A SNUGGLE! I AM BOYCOTTING ALL NAPS AND AM GOING TO HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL IT COMES OUT THE OTHER END! YOUR BREASTS WERE BORN FREE JUST LIKE MINE AND I DEMAND YOU SET THEM FREE!

"Why don't we try some big girl milk."

WHY DON'T I THROW MY POO AT YOU!

"Watch Mommy try some."

I've seen what you eat, and that does not boost my confidence. I completely understand the fact that you don't want me to come home from middle school and expect to tap the teet after some Cheetos, but come on! At least trade me some Diet Coke or Starbucks.

"You're a big girl."

Compared to what? The cat? An eggroll? Bigger girl means bigger caloric intake which means more boob time. Try and shoot a hole in that logic Plato. If you're short on time just grab the pump cups and tap them both. I'll use a straw. I'll call it the boob tube. We'll make millions.

"Your father would be proud."

Hell, yea! What was I talking about?

"Saving the planet."

I know you're lying, but I can't produce any evidence to prove it.

Later,
E